…

…

“…Sigh.”

It was depressing.

Looking up at the apartment where Monou-san lives, a sigh escapes.

Holiday. Eight o’clock at night.

Today again, I received an invitation from her.

Until a little while ago, visiting this place… excitement and tension dominated my body. Even from the moment I got off at the nearest station, my heart pounded imagining the affair with her.

I’ve never been, but… maybe a guy who made a reservation at a sex service feels this kind of thrill.

But today… the pressure is overwhelmingly greater.

The previous incident became a strong trauma, creating a dark shadow in the depths of my heart.

What should I do?

If it doesn’t get hard this time too… what should I really do?

I didn’t know. I never thought that not being able to get an erection there would erode my mind like this. It makes me feel like my dignity as a man is greatly damaged.

…I-It’s fine. It’ll surely be fine. When I did it alone, it functioned normally, and I just drank some energy drink-like thing. It’s fine, it’s fine… While telling myself that over and over, I headed to her room.

“…Welcome.”

In the room, as always, Monou-san in casual clothes greeted me.

“Have you eaten dinner yet?”

“Yes, lightly.”

While chatting, I solidify my resolve in the depths of my chest.

I can’t fail today.

After all, we are–neither husband and wife nor lovers.

The purpose is only to make a child.

If sex becomes impossible… my utility value disappears. For a useless man, she can just cut ties and look for the next partner.

If I fail two times in a row, it’s natural to be abandoned.

So today–I absolutely can’t fail.

…Wait. No, but thinking like that makes me feel even more cornered and likely to fail, so I should relax to some extent… but it’s not like I can relax just by being conscious of it–

“Was it raining?”

“It wasn’t. Today was good weather all day.”

“I see. Did you get lost on the way?”

“…Eh? No, I’ve come many times.”

There, I finally notice the strangeness in the conversation. Something’s off. Because I’ve been brooding all this time, it took me a while to notice… something is wrong.

“Monou-san, is something wrong?”

“W-What?”

“No, you seem kind of absent-minded.”

“I-I’m fine, nothing in particular…”

She says it haltingly and averts her eyes.

Yes, absent-minded. It seems like we’re talking, but not really conversing.

How should I put it… it’s the same state as me right now.

As if her head is full of something else all the time–

“…Sanzawa-kun.”

Eventually, Monou-san says.

With eyes that look embarrassed, but as if she’s made up her mind.

“Could you wait in bed for a little bit?”

“Eh… I-In bed?”

“Please.”

She said in a tone that brooks no argument, I had no choice but to comply.

…

…

Is she planning to start pushing right away?

But what is Monou-san doing?

What is this waiting time for?

While fidgeting, waiting–fifteen minutes.

Finally, Monou-san appeared in the bedroom.

“–!”

Seeing her appearance, I doubt my eyes.

Thinking it must be an illusion, I rub my eyes many times, but the scene reflected in my eyes doesn’t change.

There was–a high school girl.

Clad in a pure white blouse, with a pleated skirt on the lower body. However, its defense is perilously low, and plump thighs peek out from the hem.

Monou-san.

The super competent at work, admired and feared in the company as the ‘Empress’, my longed-for female boss–

Now, dressed as a high school girl, standing in front of me.

“…W-Won’t you say something?”

Shocked speechless, Monou-san said in a thin voice.

Her face is stern, but her cheeks are bright red.

She appears to be desperately fighting the shame assaulting her from within.

“Uh, um… what are you doing?”

“–! Th-That kind of critical question is wise to refrain from. Because it concerns my life and death…”

Uniform Monou-san staggers as if dizzy.

I just voiced a pure question, but apparently it was a straight ball question I shouldn’t have asked.

“…Because, you like this, right? Men… this kind of thing.”

While averting her eyes, she says it like an excuse.

“I-I heard from a friend… When her boyfriend was down, she did JK cosplay and he was really happy and excited…”

Cosplay.

So that’s it after all.

Looking closely again, the uniform seems overall cheaply made. Probably cosplay goods sold at discount shops or something.

Because it’s hastily prepared… the size doesn’t fit either.

Overall quite small.

The chest and butt are tight.

The blouse wrapping her ample chest seems like the buttons could pop any moment, and the skirt is lifted by her butt, visible up to a quite risky point.

To put it bluntly… it was an incredibly obscene sight.

“H-How is it, Sanzawa-kun? Can I still pass as a JK?”

“…”

Monou-san asks with clinging eyes.

Wh-Which one!? Which is the correct answer here!?

If I say pass or not… honestly, it’s quite tough.

She doesn’t look like a JK at all.

She only looks age-appropriate.

She only looks like an adult woman forcing herself into a uniform.

As if there’s such a voluptuous erotic JK…!

But if I say that honestly, wouldn’t it be an instant death attack?

Shouldn’t I prioritize saving a life here?

“O-Of course you can. Perfectly JK! As expected of Monou-san!”

“…All lies. It’s fine. You don’t have to say such transparent flattery.”

Monou-san slumps down.

Uwaa, I got it wrong!

I cleanly got the binary choice wrong!

“…I know it’s tough myself. I did have a little hope, you know? Once I put it on, maybe ‘Oh, I can still pull it off’ or something. But when I changed and looked in the mirror… there was just a thirty-something woman in cosplay…”

“I-It’s okay!”

I desperately encourage the crouched and depressed Monou-san.

I had no idea what was okay, but if I didn’t follow up here, it seemed like Monou-san might jump out the window.

“Certainly… you don’t look like a JK. I think it’s a working woman forcing a uniform. It is tough. Really tough… but that’s why it has a decadent charm, so to speak.”

“…………”

“How should I say, eros is about gaps, right? Doing something unusual creates eroticism. Like a pure girl actually being experienced, or conversely a playful girl being innocent, or stripping in a quiet library… So… the combination of mature woman and uniform, because of the gap, creates some twisted something.”

“Mature woman…”

“Ahh, no no! That was just a figure of speech! Not mature woman, Monou-san is not a mature woman! I just meant that in the adult industry, mature woman and uniform is a genre with certain demand… There are probably many older people enjoying uniform play, so there’s no way it’s bad for Monou-san to do it…”

“…………”

“Anyway, it’s fine! It suits you really well! At least I… love it! It really excites me!”

I affirm everything anyway.

I wasn’t sure if the direction of the follow-up was right.

Moreover–I’m not forcing myself to praise.

I didn’t have a particular obsession with JK or uniforms, but… Monou-san now, somehow got to me. The place where she’s forcing JK attire despite being deadly embarrassed, I feel an indescribable twisted emotion.

It feels like a new fetish is awakening.

Monou-san, who had been looking down all this time, eventually,

“…Really?”

Muttered softly.

“Do you really think that? Not flattery?”

“R-Really.”

“Not just saying random things to get through the moment?”

“I’m not.”

“Really… properly excited?”

“Y-Yes!”

“…I see. Then it’s fine.”

The crouched Monou-san stands up smoothly.

“It’s not like the general public’s evaluation matters in this situation anyway. I knew it was tough from the start, and I didn’t expect much. I didn’t even slightly think about walking around town if it suited me.”

After rapidly saying excuse-like things,

“This outfit… I did it only for Sanzawa-kun.”

If you like it–that’s enough.

Saying that.

She hugs me and pushes me down onto the bed.

I fall on my back, and she lies beside me, in a position like sleeping together.

“Today… I’ll give you various services.”

A sweet voice whispers in my ear.

“Until now I was a bit passive, but today I’ll… try hard too. If there’s anything you want done, say anything.”

“M-Monou-san…”

Our bodies are pressed together, and her chest is pushed against me through the blouse. Her soft hand crawls lewdly over my body, trying to stir up excitement.

I reach my hand to her lower abdomen. The skirt is so short, I can easily put my hand in. Monou-san’s butt feels irresistible today too.

Ah… what should I do.

Somehow it feels so heartbreaking.

Because I was impotent last time, Monou-san is being this aggressive. Even dressing in embarrassing attire, trying somehow to excite me.

That feeling is really happy, and I feel sorry. And… excited. Monou-san enduring shame and behaving lewdly is really attractive.

I want to ravish her like a beast, following my instincts.

But–

The stronger the excitement–the darker something in my heart becomes more pronounced.

Her earnestness, her desperation… is futile.

Doing this much isn’t for me.

For my–sperm.

To get genes close to my brother’s.

To give birth to an excellent child.

Just trying hard for that–

“…………”

Eventually, Monou-san reaches her hand to my lower abdomen. Normally, just being pressed this close would make it big right away. In the beginning, it was rock hard even before she touched my body.

But now.

There was almost no reaction at all.

“…Seems no good.”

“I’m sorry…”

Pathetic. Even though Monou-san tried so hard, I ended up thinking unnecessary things and couldn’t concentrate.

“…It’s fine. Don’t worry.”

Monou-san separates from me and stands up unsteadily.

“…It was my fault. After all… this outfit is a flop, right? No way a young guy gets excited by an old lady in uniform… Sorry for showing you something gross… I’ll change right away.”

“W-Wait!”

I hurriedly call out to her, who is trying to leave looking terribly haggard.

Monou-san isn’t at fault at all.

It’s all my problem.

I’m bad for not being able to become an adult. Still dragging jealousy and inferiority towards my brother, unable to compartmentalize my relationship with Monou-san. My hopeless immaturity and childishness are connected to the current worthlessness.

“No… no. It’s not Monou-san’s fault…”

I want to say it. Convey it. Ask it.

I want to make it clear by putting it into words plainly.

But if I do that–

“…Monou-san, why?”

At the end of agony and conflict, I end up saying it.

“Why–did you choose me?”

“…Eh?”

“You chose me as the partner for making a child because… my brother is a soccer player, right? Because I have an excellent brother… and I have similar genes…”

I stumble over words.

If I let my guard down, tears seem about to come out.

“N-Not that I have complaints about that. If you want a child, it’s natural to want the best genes possible…”

“…………”

“But, talent isn’t guaranteed to be inherited… right? In fact, compared to my brother, I have no talent at all… ahaha. Born from the same parents and raised the same, yet so different…”

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

What do I want to say?

What do I want her to say?

Do I want to condemn her, or do I want her to comfort me even if it’s a lie?

Ah–why.

Why did I put it into words?

If I say it, we both lose and feel bad. If we left it ambiguous with tacit understanding, we could have been more flat and dry.

Not putting facts into words even if true–that’s what being an adult is.

Yet, why.

Why doesn’t my heart–listen to me…!

“…………”

After a brief silence, Monou-san opens her mouth.

Not a face like being pointed out facts and saying something hard to say–but.

With a dumbfounded face, she says.

“Eh? Sanzawa-kun’s brother is a soccer player?”

…

Blankly.

She had a truly surprised face.

“Huh…? Eh? Huh? Y-You didn’t know?”

“Yes.”

“Really? I think it was quite a rumor… when I joined the company.”

“I-Is that so…? I’m bad with that kind of office gossip… I’m the one who scolds female employees for chatting during work… Ah, but I feel like I vaguely heard… that some famous person’s brother joined.”

“…………”

“Is your brother a famous soccer player?”

“…You can tell by the last name, but it’s Sanzawa Shunichiro.”

“…………Sorry.”

“Seriously!? He was even in the Japan national team.”

“I have no interest in sports at all… Sanzawa Shunichiro… hmm. No memory at all…”

“Uh, it’s that one, you know. In the sports drink CM, ‘This taste, truly a hat trick!’ and it buzzed a bit…”

“Ah, I’ve seen that CM! Ah-ah, that person! I see, he was a soccer player, that ‘hat trick’ guy. Ah… now that you mention, he might look like you.”

Monou-san nods in understanding.

I don’t think it’s acting.

Monou-san really didn’t know about my brother.

“W-Wait a minute. Then–why me? If not because of my brother, there’s no reason to choose me as partner…”

“…I don’t quite understand, but.”

Monou-san says.

Choosing words carefully.

“It seems I caused some misunderstanding. That I chose the brother because the older brother is famous.”

“…………”

“…Yes. I thought it wasn’t something to say specially, but if it’s misunderstood that much, I’ll explain properly. The reason I asked you for this relationship.”

She straightens her posture and faces me directly.

“That said, it’s not like there’s some grand reason.”

She continues, looking straight into my eyes.

“In choosing a partner this time, I had some conditions of my own. First, not married or with a girlfriend. That’s obvious, right. I don’t want trouble later, and I don’t want to make the other woman unhappy.”

She says, holding up one finger.

“Second… not someone who plays around too much. Negotiation might be easy with a frivolous person, but… that type seems loose-lipped and I didn’t like it. Also, since it’s sexual intercourse, there’s STD risk. I prefer someone with firm chastity values.”

Two.

“Third… similar to second, but serious and seems tight-lipped. Someone who keeps promises properly. That’s self-evident, right.”

Three.

“Fourth… cleanliness. It’s important after all. Since I’m allowing my body… naturally, cleanliness and appearance are judgment criteria.”

Four.

“And, fifth.”

Five.

All fingers of the hand spread.

Then gently close, place in front of her chest.

“Whether I–can think I want to have that man’s child.”

A bit embarrassed, but clearly, Monou-san said.

“With Sanzawa-kun, we’ve worked together this whole year, right. I’ve always watched you as your superior.”

“…………”

“Honestly, I don’t have the impression you’re that good at work. Clumsy and inefficient, sometimes frustrating to watch.”

But, she continues.

“You were always giving your all. To my strict guidance, who’s called ‘Empress’ behind my back… you followed without a single complaint. Serious, sincere… and kind young man.”

“…………”

“There were several times besides Kanomata-san’s case, right. Throwing aside your own matters to help someone in trouble… Clumsy yet people-pleaser, as a boss it was hard to evaluate, but… strangely, watching didn’t feel bad.”

“…………”

“Then one time, I suddenly thought.”

Monou-san says.

With a small laugh as if recalling.

“A child with Sanzawa-kun would surely be cute.”

“…………”

“The above is the reason I chose Sanzawa-kun… I suppose.”

I–couldn’t say anything.

I could only stand there stunned.

“…Sorry. It’s creepy after all…”

Because I was silent, Monou-san starts reflecting alone.

“It’s totally sexual harassment… Thinking ‘I want a child with this kid’ while watching a subordinate at work… If genders were reversed, I’d be fired… Ah, I shouldn’t have said it after all…”

I don’t think it’s creepy at all.

On the contrary–

“…Eh? Sanzawa-kun…”

Monou-san raises a surprised voice.

There, I finally notice.

On my cheek–tears were flowing.

“Eh. Uwa, what is this… sorry. Why am I…”

I hurriedly wipe the tears, but they overflow one after another. Indescribable emotions well up from my chest and I can’t suppress them.

It was probably relief, an emotion akin to joy.

This person, Monou-san–properly saw me.

Not my brother, but me as an individual.

As she said at first, indeed it might not be a grand reason.

But still–the words she said now felt like the words I’ve been searching for all along.

“Sorry. I’m fine… It’s not that I’m crying because I’m sad…”

“…Jeez.”

Monou-san lets out a small breath and steps closer to me.

Then lightly, strokes my head.

“Don’t cry too much. You’re a boy, right.”

“…Don’t treat me like a child.”

“You’re like a child. Someone in their early twenties.”

“…Even if it’s said by someone in high school girl attire.”

“~~! Th-The attire isn’t relevant now!”

Monou-san turns bright red and gets angry, and I end up laughing.

My heart felt incredibly light.

…

After that, well, how should I say.

It naturally flowed into staying over, and naturally did what we do.

My body is really mercenary… the moment I realized the brother thing was a misunderstanding, it functioned without any problem.

Delicate yet surprisingly in good shape, perhaps.

After doing the usual and taking a break–

Before I knew it, I was talking about myself.

My own soccer history, where I bet most of my life so far.

Talking about past in pillow talk feels too posey and lame… but somehow, I wanted her to hear.

“I’m surprised… That Sanzawa-kun was seriously aiming to be a pro soccer player… I see, that’s why you have a good body…”

“Do I have a good body?”

“Eh!? Ah, um… y-yeah. Well, isn’t it a good body?”

Monou-san, lying next to me, said a bit flustered.

After that, lowering her tone a bit,

“Does your knee hurt now?”

She asks.

“For daily life, no problem at all. They said it’s okay for hobby-level soccer too.”

“…The knee scar, I never thought it was such a serious injury.”

She apparently noticed the knee surgery scar the first time at the hotel.

Well, even if she noticed, it’s not something to ask lightly.

“I see… If not for the injury, Sanzawa-kun might not be my subordinate now, but a soccer player.”

“…Who knows? I don’t know.”

I smile ambiguously.

Normally–I’d make it a funny story casually. “Yeah, if not for the injury, I’d be in the national team now” saying jokingly, the atmosphere doesn’t go bad. The people around sympathize seemingly, but ultimately just asking for chit-chat, so if I speak honestly, it’s just chilly.

But now–

“Originally it was borderline. Even without injury, I think I couldn’t become pro. Ah… but if no injury, maybe I’d still be striving in some amateur soccer…? Desperately chasing my unreachable brother’s back… just pretending to chase properly.”

It was a strange feeling.

Maybe because we just had skinship.

Unadorned words naturally spill out.

“…When I got injured, I was shocked and despaired, but… somewhere in my heart, I was relieved. ‘I don’t have to try anymore.’ ‘I have an excuse’ ‘I have a reason to quit’”

I say. I end up saying.

The true feelings I never told even my parents.

“I had actually given up long ago. That I’m not the type for pro, I knew best… But becoming as the guys who looked down on me wanted was frustrating… And my parents… always believed and supported me… I didn’t know what to do anymore…”

It doesn’t stop.

Like a dam breaking, words overflow.

The real me–is exposed.

“If I quit due to injury, people around think ‘If not for the injury, maybe.’ It looks better than quitting myself due to lack of talent… I was thinking that. It’s the worst. Really miserable, lame, uncool…”

“…………”

Monou-san says nothing, gently hugs me.

Warm. The body heat enveloping my whole body seems to wrap up weakness and immaturity entirely, accepting everything.

I feel like I’ve been living on tiptoes all along.

Since the day I quit soccer.

I wanted to become an adult quickly.

If I become adult–I thought I could laugh off all the immature past.

So desperately posing, mending my heart, pretending to be adult.

But now.

In front of her, I stripped everything off along with clothes.

Without hiding weakness or uncoolness, exposing heart and body naked.

Like an injured child clinging to mother and wailing, expecting to be accepted, I ended up spoiling myself.

That might be a very embarrassing act.

Might not be what an adult man should do.

But now… somehow everything felt irrelevant.

In her chest, I fell into peaceful sleep.

…

The next day.

I woke up later than Monou-san again.

“G-Good morning.”

“Oh. Good morning.”

Hurriedly jumping out of the bedroom, Monou-san was already dressed, drinking coffee.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Y-Yes… Um, sorry about yesterday. About a lot of things.”

“Come on. I already forgot.”

I’ll brew coffee.

Saying casually, Monou-san heads to the kitchen.

She takes out the bag of charcoal coffee powder she loves, puts in a spoon.

“Oh right. Not a topic for meal time, so I’ll say it first.”

While pouring hot water, Monou-san says.

“This time, it didn’t work.”

“Eh…”

“When I woke up, it started.”

Saying lightly, she places her hand once in front of her belly.

From that action, I realize.

Her period started, meaning.

That means–this time, no pregnancy.

“…What should I say.”

“You don’t need to be considerate. I didn’t think it would happen so quickly anyway.”

No sign of dejection, casual tone.

“My mother seemed to have a constitution hard to get pregnant too. I heard she struggled quite a bit until she was pregnant with me. So… it might take time for me too.”

Saying with somewhat distant eyes.

Then brings the brewed coffee cup, places it in front of me.

“Even if it becomes a long battle, will you stick with me, Sanzawa-kun?”

That–was a strange tone.

Like a boss instructing a subordinate, at the same time flirting.

Like spoiling a lover, at the same time like testing.

In any case, my answer was decided.

“Yes.”

I nod, take the cup and sip.

The charcoal coffee after several days had its unique bitterness as expected.