Chapter 16: The Shape of Feelings

♠♠♠

“Are you trying to turn Kyoto into HELL~?!”

Hamanami screamed. It was in the university cafeteria.

During lunchtime, I happened to spot Hamanami and told her what had happened.

“I warned you, didn’t I? I did warn you, right?”

“My apologies.”

“Wait, so Touno-san was sitting in front of the door all night?”

“Apparently, she noticed through the wall because Miyamae and I were being loud late at night.”

At first, she thought we were just playing and having fun, so she let it slide. But she knew Miyamae liked me.

“And she couldn’t just sit still after that, huh?”

“A guy and a girl in the same room until morning—she was worried.”

Since Miyamae and I are friends, Touno hesitated to intervene just because she’s my girlfriend. So, conflicted, she ended up sitting in front of the door.

It was an autumn night, and the temperature was low. Touno’s body was quite cold.

“And then she saw you two come out of the room, clothes all disheveled.”

“That’s right.”

“Y-You absolute dimwits~!!”

Hamanami shouted loudly, then quickly calmed down.

“So, Touno-san scolded Miyamae-san, but did Miyamae-san just quietly listen?”

“No, it turned into an argument.”

Touno had said firmly,

“Don’t get close to Kirishima-san.”

In response, Miyamae, head down and half-crying, retorted,

“I love Kirishima too. I’ve loved him since before you started dating, Touno. I held back because I knew you liked him, but I still love him. I can’t help it……”

That’s right.

Miyamae had been holding back her feelings out of consideration for her friend, Touno.

Touno was aware she’d caused Miyamae to suppress her feelings. So, hearing Miyamae’s words, Touno was visibly shaken.

Touno looked at me anxiously.

Miyamae looked at me pleadingly.

Caught between them, I was forced to choose. It was painful. But I couldn’t just do nothing. So—

“I’m Touno’s boyfriend.”

I said, standing beside Touno.

Miyamae, I’m sorry. I hoped my expression conveyed that. Please understand.

But Miyamae wasn’t looking at my face anymore. Her face crumpled, and she ran back to her room, crying.

Miyamae was deeply hurt. But she wasn’t the only one. Touno was too.

“Am I the one who’s wrong?”

Touno said, looking down.

“You’re not wrong, Touno. You’re my girlfriend. I’m sorry for making you anxious.”

Even after I said that, Touno remained downcast.

That’s how the day ended.

“—I see.”

Hamanami said.

“So that’s how a rift formed between Touno-san and Miyamae-san.”

“Yeah.”

I nodded, eating plain udon in the cafeteria.

“What about the fish-grilling party?”

“Next one’s TBD.”

“…………”

Hamanami stood up abruptly, started stretching, and after rolling her neck, shouted louder than ever today,

“Remember Tanegashima! Remember the promise ten years from now!”

“Hamanami’s in top form~”

“Whose fault is that~?! I loved the you guys who went to the beach together in the summer!”

I feel the same.

And I still believe we can go back to those days.

“It’s okay. We can fix this from now on.”

“Oh, surprisingly positive.”

“Touno and Miyamae haven’t cut ties completely. Especially Touno—she thinks it’s fine for me and Miyamae to hang out again if Miyamae gets a proper boyfriend.”

“True……”

Hamanami thought for a moment before saying,

“Given Miyamae-san’s nature, if she gets a boyfriend, she’ll probably cling to him and settle into a good friendship with you, Kirishima-senpai. She might even stop caring about you altogether.”

“Exactly. I think that’s the kind of girl Miyamae is.”

What I needed to do was clearly tell Miyamae I couldn’t be her lover.

But first, I had to take care of Touno.

After having lunch with Hamanami, attending lectures, and returning to my room at Yamame-sou, it happened.

I started putting the things Miyamae had given me, which were in my room, into a trash bag.

A coat, a watch, even a wallet and a bag—all things Miyamae bought thinking they’d suit me.

“How long are you going to keep those?”

Touno had said.

“You’re not going to use them, right……?”

She probably didn’t want to say that. But after what happened, she had to. Still, after saying it, Touno fell into self-loathing, her face sinking.

“Sorry for making you anxious.”

I apologized to Touno.

Touno wasn’t at fault. A boyfriend who wears things given by another girl is disloyal, and keeping unused gifts around is odd too.

Touno’s perspective was normal, and I understood it. But I couldn’t throw them away because, thinking of Miyamae’s feelings, I wasn’t sure if discarding them without ever using them was right.

But in this situation, I couldn’t keep hesitating.

I packed them into the trash bag. Still, throwing them out carelessly felt wrong, so I wrapped them carefully in my favorite furoshiki before putting them in the bag. Since the designated trash bags are transparent, I also wanted to ensure they couldn’t be seen from outside. But that was a mistake.

Miyamae found them.

I’d taken the trash out to the dump at night, but Yamame-sou’s trash area faces the street.

She must have noticed my favorite furoshiki in the trash bag.

As I was getting into bed to sleep, I heard a girl crying outside.

Looking out the window, I saw Miyamae at the trash dump. From her outfit, she seemed to be coming back from her tutoring job.

She’d looked inside the furoshiki and was sobbing uncontrollably, gasping as if struggling to breathe.

I wanted to rush out, comfort her, apologize, and say all sorts of things. But I couldn’t.

Crying, Miyamae hugged the trash bag preciously and went back into Sakura Heights.

I watched her retreating figure, my chest feeling crushed.

How wonderful it would’ve been to be Miyamae’s boyfriend. I’d wear the clothes and watch she gave me, and we’d go out together. She’d surely be delighted. And I’d say,

“You don’t need to buy me things. I’ll always love you, Miyamae.”

I wanted to say those words to her.

We’d go places and take photos. I’d keep encouraging her, and her photography would get better and better.

We’d go to Kyushu to meet her grandma, and I’d say,

“It’s okay. I’ll always be by her side.”

I wanted Miyamae to be a happy girl.

But that person probably isn’t me.

♠♠♠

Autumn was coming to an end.

As the seasons change, our relationships might shift too, or they might circle back like the seasons. I don’t know what’ll happen.

Since that incident, Touno and Miyamae haven’t spoken. Despite being so close, they go to university separately, adjusting their schedules to avoid each other.

Touno was deeply depressed.

“Is it my fault?”

Apparently, she’d vaguely sensed Miyamae liked me before we started dating.

“If I’d thought more about Shiori-chan’s feelings back then……”

“It’s okay. I’ll figure it out.”

I walked the Philosopher’s Path alone whenever I had free time,

thinking about what to do next.

I’d cherish Touno as my girlfriend and maintain a friendship with Miyamae. I reaffirmed my stance. But that brought up a contradiction within me.

Tachibana-san.

While I prioritized Touno and rejected Miyamae’s feelings, my relationship with Tachibana-san continued.

A few days after Touno and Miyamae’s fight,

I went to another university’s festival, kissed Tachibana-san in the green room, brought her back to her place after she was exhausted from performing, and held her from behind in bed to warm her.

It’s a terrible contradiction.

I rejected Miyamae so firmly, yet I’m doing this with Tachibana-san.

I suddenly recalled Miyamae’s back as she cried, clutching the trash bag with my gifts, heading back to Sakura Heights.

Maybe my turmoil transmitted through my arms as I held her.

Tachibana-san looked up at me.

What’s wrong?

Her expression seemed to say that. By now, I could understand her without a whiteboard.

Is it because of me?

I shook my head.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.”

But Tachibana-san’s sharp intuition picked up that something was wrong, and she looked at me with eyes that seemed to say, I’m sorry. Feeling responsible, her glass-like eyes began to waver with anxiety.

I’m sorry. I’m causing trouble again, aren’t I? I’m sorry.

As her thin lips trembled, I hugged Tachibana-san tightly.

A girl who’d become as fragile as glass.

A girl whose time had stopped.

I felt Tachibana-san’s contours through her pajamas.

Hugging Tachibana-san felt like being enveloped in warm rain—beautiful and gentle. I knew this girl so well. Yet, despite knowing her so well, she remained endlessly mysterious and mystical.

When we kept hugging and kissing, it inevitably stirred those feelings. Sensing it, Tachibana-san took off her pajamas herself and removed my kimono. We held each other in just our underwear, her smooth skin against mine.

Lately, it’d been like this. We never went further. That was our rationality, and we knew that going beyond would unleash words and emotions we’d avoided since our reunion, irrevocably changing something.

But today, I felt drawn to what lay beyond.

A dependent future with Tachibana-san. Surely ruinous, yet comforting.

Should I just go there?

I slipped my hand into Tachibana-san’s underwear. My left hand touched her chest, my right hand her hot, wet core.

Tachibana-san let out a wistful sigh. I still remembered the sensation of entering her tight body and the pleasure that followed.

As if saying it’s okay, Tachibana-san pressed her lower body against me.

Holding the grown-up Tachibana-san would feel different, carry different meaning.

I could give in to sentimentality, dive into her stopped time, and melt together.

Unlike Miyamae, Tachibana-san would leave Kyoto at the end of autumn, and being with her like this was to help her perform on stage, so it was unavoidable.

I could make such excuses.

But—

“Tachibana-san, I’m sorry. I can’t……”

I couldn’t believe this was truly for Tachibana-san’s sake.

So, I said,

“You should learn to stand on stage alone, without my help.”

Tachibana-san lost her voice and became fragile. That’s why she could no longer perform in front of crowds. She said she could handle small audiences, like for art school exams or studio musician work.

So, she told me, Don’t worry, Shirou-kun.

That’s why, just for this autumn season, we’d been holding each other like this, but that wasn’t what I should’ve been doing.

What I needed to do was help Tachibana-san in the truest sense, even if it meant pushing her away.

“I can’t always be by your side, Tachibana-san. But I want you to keep standing on stage. I want you to be happy.”

Tachibana-san rested her head on my chest for a while.

But eventually, she put on her pajamas and stood up.

And made a peace sign.

I knew it too.

She picked up the whiteboard on the desk and wrote on it.

I’ll do it properly on my own.

Tachibana-san held up the whiteboard and smiled. It was obviously a forced smile, but I couldn’t say anything about it. My own smile, as I laughed back, was pretty forced too, I think.

“If it’s you, Tachibana-san, you can definitely do it.”

Yup.

That was the only way for us.

We couldn’t keep living in this isolated world for just the two of us forever.

We decided to move forward. Then we drank coffee together. An espresso machine had appeared in Tachibana-san’s room.

“This thing’s expensive, huh?”

Ehhe!

Tachibana-san looked proud. Apparently, her video views were still going strong.

She puffed out her chest exaggeratedly.

That lightened the mood, and though Tachibana-san’s cheer was partly forced, she perked up. She resolved to work hard to stand on stage alone at the next festival.

“Alright, I’ll head back to my room then.”

As I was about to leave Tachibana-san’s room, it happened.

Tachibana-san thought for a moment, then held up the whiteboard.

Bring Miyamae-san to the next stage.

I nodded, put on my geta, and left the room.

It was completely dark outside. Stepping out of Sakura Heights, I looked up at the starry sky and thought,

Tachibana-san really is a special girl. She sees right through me.

♠♠♠

Kirishima Erich is someone who wishes for others’ happiness. So my stance toward Tachibana-san must be the right one. My joy isn’t in hugging and kissing her but in her finding happiness.

So this is fine. It has to be.

And it should be the same with Miyamae.

On the weekend, I stood in front of Miyamae’s room.

I rang the doorbell. But Miyamae didn’t come out or respond. As I turned to leave,

the door opened, and Miyamae peeked out.

“Why do you always try to leave right away-bai?!”

“Because you didn’t come out~”

“Uuu……”

Miyamae made a frustrated face, then quickly softened and said, “Come in.”

Inside her room, the coat and watch I’d thrown out were carefully placed.

When I looked at them, Miyamae made an awkward expression.

“Miyamae……”

“W-What did you come for today?”

Miyamae changed the subject to dodge.

“You’re not gonna date me anyway, right?”

She wore a sulky expression.

“Wanna go see Tachibana-san’s stage together?”

“W-Why do I have to go watch her stage?!”

Hearing about Tachibana-san right after seeing me for the first time in a while seemed to make Miyamae pretty angry.

“Get out!”

She threw a stuffed animal from her bed at me. But when I actually started to leave, she half-cried, “Stay here~!”

“Miyamae~, that’s the thing with you~”

“But……”

Looking dejected, Miyamae sat on her bed.

“Tachibana-san’s lucky. She gets to kiss and hug you, Kirishima.”

She said, touching her hair.

“Maybe I’ll dye my hair black.”

“Why?”

Because both Touno and Tachibana-san have black hair, Miyamae said.

“I wanna be the kind of girl you like, Kirishima……”

“I like your hair, Miyamae.”

“Really?”

Her face brightened, but she quickly put on a grumpy expression. That seemed to be her stance today.

“Why don’t you do anything with me, but you do that stuff with Tachibana-san? I kinda get that she can’t perform without it, but……”

“About that.”

I sat next to Miyamae and explained my relationship with Tachibana-san.

She was my first love. We dated in high school. Because of various things, I caused her to lose her voice.

“So the painful love story from your past…… it was with Tachibana-san……”

Hearing my story, Miyamae seemed to understand.

“I see…… That’s why you couldn’t leave her alone, Kirishima……”

“Yeah. But I’m ending this kind of relationship. I told her I want her to stand on stage alone, and she decided to do it.”

“And she wants to show that to me.”

“Exactly.”

Miyamae had seen me and Tachibana-san kissing. Naturally, she must feel, “Why does she get to do that with you, but not me?”

Tachibana-san sensed the issue between me and Miyamae and is trying to resolve it too. She wants to help Miyamae sort out her feelings by showing her how she’s growing stronger and moving on from me.

“Okay…… I’ll go……”

Miyamae nodded solemnly and started getting ready.

About an hour earlier, Tachibana-san had left for the venue, pulling a wheeled suitcase.

Miyamae and I followed her to the location.

On the train, Miyamae said,

“I didn’t tell Touno about what you and Tachibana-san were doing.”

“Thank you.”

Miyamae was an endlessly endearing girl. Though this was a step toward making her let go of her feelings, she seemed happy just to be with me, saying, “I wanted to go places with you like this.”

We arrived at the university in the city just after noon.

Tachibana-san had two more stages left: this one and the one at my university.

Two chances.

“Tachibana-san hasn’t come on stage yet.”

“There’s still a bit of time.”

We waited in the audience seats for the outdoor stage, but I got worried and decided to check on her.

I went to the classroom used as a green room and peeked through the door’s gap.

“Not going in?”

“She promised to do it alone.”

Tachibana-san’s hands were trembling uncontrollably.

With a troubled look, she hit her hands against her knees or bit them. But the shaking didn’t stop, and she started looking around nervously, like a lost child.

“Is she looking for you, Kirishima?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that okay?”

“She has to do this.”

Tachibana-san needs to overcome this alone, and I can’t help her, no matter what.

Tachibana-san, panicking, clutched her head.

“This is what she wanted me to see.”

Watching Tachibana-san, Miyamae covered her mouth, tears welling in her eyes.

“She probably doesn’t want to show this.”

“Yeah.”

“But she’s exposing her vulnerable side for me……”

Miyamae seemed overwhelmed with emotion.

“That’s right. Things go wrong, life gets tough, but you push through. That’s how it is, isn’t it?”

Just as Miyamae was about to say, “You can do it, Tachibana-san,” it happened.

“!”

Tachibana-san noticed us. She ran over, opened the door, and hugged me.

Tachibana-san looked happy.

“Eeh~!”

Miyamae exclaimed beside me.

“I was just getting emotional! Wasn’t that the moment to push a bit harder!? Give me back my emotions! Give them back!”

From my arms, Tachibana-san held up the whiteboard.

There’s one more chance. This time doesn’t count.

And she started clinging to me shamelessly.

“I really don’t like this girl!”

Tachibana-san was a sly girl.

In the end, Tachibana-san performed on stage with my help.

But it wasn’t the same as usual.

We didn’t kiss, and she didn’t cling to me after the performance.

I’ll go home alone.

Though exhausted, she held up the whiteboard.

You don’t need to come to my room.

Normally, I’d take her home and stay until she recovered mentally and physically. But she said she didn’t need that. She’d go back alone and take care of her exhausted body in solitude.

I saw Tachibana-san off at the station.

I’ll learn to do it properly on my own.

At the gate, Tachibana-san held up the whiteboard toward Miyamae.

Sorry for getting in everyone’s way.

She seemed to think she had no place in Kyoto.

That she was just a stranger.

Tachibana-san seemed to think of herself that way.

I wanted to tell her that wasn’t true. But we could never return to the old school’s mystery research club room where we used to spend time together.

The passage of time made me sad.

All I could do was watch Tachibana-san’s back as she passed through the gate and left.

Instead of heading straight home, Miyamae and I stopped by Fushimi Inari. Neither of us had been here, and since it was nearby, we decided to check it out.

It’s the famous shrine with rows of vermilion torii gates, the Thousand Torii.

“Wow~ Wow~”

“Just like the photos~!”

We exchanged empty-headed comments as we passed through the gates. But gradually, the touristy excitement faded, and the atmosphere grew quiet and serene.

We walked in silence for a while.

A somewhat lonely mood.

“Is this really okay?”

Miyamae said.

“She was your first love, right?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“This is fine.”

“I see……”

After walking through Fushimi Inari, we decided to head back.

At the station platform, we sat side by side on a bench, waiting for the train.

“I got asked out on a date.”

Miyamae said quietly.

Apparently, Morita, a colleague from her tutoring job, asked her to hang out. He’d been worried about her looking down lately.

“I’ll go on the date.”

Miyamae said, then looked at me with a bittersweet, teary smile.

“If she’s giving up like that, there’s no room for me.”

That expression on Miyamae’s face looked just a little more mature.

“I think I get it.”

“Get what?”

“That the way you care for someone can take all sorts of forms. Tachibana-san’s way of caring for you, Kirishima, is by letting go. Your way of caring for her is by pushing her forward.”

As for me and you, Kirishima, Miyamae said,

“We’re still friends. Close friends, right?”

“Yeah.”

Ehehe, Miyamae laughed.

“I’ll stay friends with you, Kirishima. That’s the shape of my feelings. That’s okay, right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Then come with me on my date.”

“Ehh~? That’s where this is going~?”

“I’m a hopeless girl, you know! Who knows what might happen? You gotta keep an eye on me~!”

As long as we’re all together, Miyamae said.

“Fine. Just the first time, okay?”

“Yup.”

Somehow, I feel like everything’s gonna be okay now.

Miyamae said, laughing.

♠♠♠

Things started moving forward, likely in a good direction. It’s probably thanks to everyone’s resolve and courage.

“For a while, I wasn’t sure how things would turn out.”

Daidouji-san said.

“But it looks like the peace of the universe is safe.”

Daidouji-san, Fukuda-kun, and I were in Arashiyama.

We were there to watch over Miyamae’s date with Morita, her colleague from her tutoring job. Our task was to judge if Morita was worthy of being Miyamae’s boyfriend. If anything went wrong, we were ready to step in and put a “doctor’s stop” to the date.

But, well—

“So far, it’s going really well, huh?”

Fukuda-kun said.

The date started with the Randen. The Randen, or Keifuku Electric Railroad Arashiyama Line, is a tram with retro, Taisho-era romantic designs.

Escorted by Morita, Miyamae rode the Randen to Arashiyama. Before boarding, she was snapping photos with her DSLR, and it felt really nice. Morita seemed like a guy who could appreciate Miyamae’s photography hobby.

We secretly followed them. For once, I was in Western clothes today.

The tailing went smoothly. On the Randen, Miyamae kept glancing back at us, but when I messaged her, “Don’t look this way!” she stopped.

After arriving at Arashiyama Station, Miyamae stopped paying attention to us.

Now, the two were walking along Nagatsuji-dori.

Nagatsuji-dori is Arashiyama’s main street, lined with fun shops and rickshaws.

Miyamae occasionally raised her camera to snap photos of the street or peeked into shops with Morita, looking happy.

Keeping some distance, we walked while eating tofu soft-serve ice cream.

“That Morita guy seems pretty decent, doesn’t he?”

Daidouji-san said.

“He always stands on the street side, letting Miyamae walk on the inside.”

“I think so too.”

Fukuda-kun agreed.

“Earlier, he bought incense for Miyamae-san at a shop. That’s the kind of thoughtfulness I could never manage.”

They both looked at me.

The final judgment on whether Morita was a good guy was up to me. If I gave the okay, I’d send Miyamae a message.

I thought for a moment and said,

“Let’s keep watching a bit longer.”

“Kirishima, you’re so overprotective~”

I couldn’t help but be cautious.

After that, Miyamae and Morita had tea at a teahouse and did some light sutra copying at a temple. They were a bit awkward, but that felt fresh and standard for a date between two people not yet together. In other words, it was normal, and Miyamae needed that normalcy.

“Morita seems like a good guy.”

I said, eating a croquette. Arashiyama has tons of delicious street food.

“Might be time to give Miyamae the green light.”

“No, you should think it over more carefully.”

Daidouji-san said.

“Huh? Didn’t you just say the opposite?”

“I came here today to say the opposite of whatever you say, Kirishima.”

“Why?”

“To encourage cautious judgment.”

“You’re acting like it’s someone else’s problem.”

“Miyamae will listen to you, not me.”

Fukuda-kun nodded in agreement.

“Miyamae-san entrusted this to you, Kirishima-kun. All we can do is offer opinions. We can’t make the judgment. Sorry.”

Come to think of it, these two were pretty useless at the bar too, I thought.

But that’s okay.

I’m the one who hurt Miyamae, and it’s my responsibility to carry her feelings.

It’s something only I can do, and something I should do.

I need to properly send Miyamae off.

That’s the shape of my feelings.

“My wish is to go to Tanegashima with you guys in the not-so-distant future.”

Daidouji-san said.

“I love seeing Touno-san and Miyamae-san getting along.”

Fukuda-kun said.

Their feelings, too, are something I’ll carry. I stirred things up, after all. That’s what it means to be Kirishima Erich.

From there, I kept watching Miyamae and Morita.

Miyamae looked happy. That was everything.

As the sun began to set, the two sat by the Katsura River, talking. I hadn’t expected Morita to be so funny. “Your photos are beautiful, Miyamae-san.” I overheard words like that, carried by the breeze, from under a pine tree.

Then a cold wind blew.

Morita draped his jacket over Miyamae’s shoulders.

“Thanks for today. It was really fun. I’ve always wanted to hang out with you, Miyamae-san.”

Morita said, blushing.

He didn’t seem like the type to get her drunk or force her into his room.

He genuinely cared for Miyamae.

“Alright, let’s go.”

I said to Daidouji-san and Fukuda-kun, and we left the spot.

Heading to the station, we crossed the Togetsukyo Bridge.

The mountains, red with autumn, and the flowing river.

“What’s your judgment, Kirishima?”

Daidouji-san asked, and I answered.

“I already sent it to Miyamae.”

Halfway across the bridge, I stopped and looked back toward the riverbank. Miyamae was aiming her camera at me.

I made a peace sign.

A few days later, Miyamae happily reported that Morita confessed to her, and they started dating.