Chapter 12: Panic

♤♤♤

The charcoal in the shichirin crackles.

I’m grilling saury.

It’s on the private road between Yamame-sou and Sakura Heights. As expected, it’s chilly at night, and everyone’s inching closer to the shichirin. We bought the saury at Nishiki Market during the day.

“That guy’s eyeing the saury!”

Hamanami says, her gaze fixed on a cat lurking behind a plant.

“Get outta here! Shoo!”

Hamanami scares it off, looking like she’s having fun. But when it’s time to eat the saury, she gets serious and whispers to me.

“Is this really okay?”

“What’re you talking about?”

“The lineup, I mean! The lineup!”

Around the shichirin are the usual Kyoto crew, plus Tachibana-san.

It’s been about two weeks since I reunited with Tachibana-san.

Since that day, there’s been no contact between us.

But Touno’s been looking out for Tachibana-san, inviting her to things. Since she lives at Sakura Heights, Tachibana-san’s started feeling like part of the group lately.

“Having your current girlfriend and ex-girlfriend together is super tense!”

Hamanami says. But—

“I don’t think anything worrisome’s gonna happen.”

“How can you say that?”

“Tachibana-san might not be interested in me anymore. At least, not the me I am now.”

Kirishima Shirou without glasses—that’s not the me Tachibana-san wants.

Maybe she’s disappointed.

That day, Hayasaka-san took her away, probably told her everything. When Tachibana-san came back, she seemed to have lost all interest in me.

“I’m probably not even in Tachibana-san’s eyes anymore.”

A few days ago, Touno asked me to help assemble furniture in Tachibana-san’s room. Even then, Tachibana-san was indifferent, emotionless toward me. No spark in her eyes when we met, just polite distance, no trace of familiarity.

I really just assembled furniture, while Tachibana-san and Touno had fun together.

Like I was just her friend’s acquaintance.

That kind of distance.

“Now that you mention it, Tachibana-senpai hasn’t interacted with you at all, Kirishima-senpai. It’s so natural I didn’t even notice…”

They say the opposite of love is indifference, and that’s spot on.

In front of Tachibana-san, I’m practically invisible. Or like there’s a glass wall between us.

Earlier, when Tachibana-san was looking around with grated daikon in hand, I offered her soy sauce. But without even glancing at me, she pointed at the yuzu ponzu Touno was holding and took it.

“Hmm. If Tachibana-senpai’s lost interest in you, Kirishima-senpai, there won’t be any conflict, so that’s fine in its own way.”

While we’re talking, Miyamae leans in from the other side.

“Let’s take today’s pic.”

It’s a photo we take, pretending to be a couple, to reassure her hospitalized grandma.

Miyamae sets up her phone, and we snap a selfie happily eating saury together.

“Gonna send it to Grandma~”

Miyamae adds Saury Date! in colorful text to the image, hits send, and then keeps smiling at the photo of us shoulder-to-shoulder, joyfully nibbling saury.

Hamanami stares at Miyamae, then looks at Touno and Tachibana-san. In a quiet but intense whisper, she yells in my ear,

“But! To me! All I can see is Kirishima-senpai wrapping more and more dynamite around himself!”

“Your energy’s as high as ever.”

Hamanami seems mainly worried about Touno and Tachibana-san’s relationship getting messy. Touno’s the current girlfriend, and Tachibana-san’s the ex.

But they seem to get along fine, forming a yuzu ponzu faction and chatting happily.

“Next week’s finally your first stage, Tachibana-san~”

Tachibana-san flashes a peace sign.

“I’ve got a match that day, so I can’t go, but you’ve got tons of university festivals to perform at. I’ll definitely show up when I can!”

Tachibana-san wiggles her peace sign like crab claws, as if to say thanks.

Tachibana-san doesn’t seem keen on talking about the past, and Touno genuinely likes her. They’ve got a good friend vibe going.

We’ve got beer to pair with the saury, and everyone’s in a nice, tipsy mood.

But a clash happens. And it’s an unexpected pairing.

“I don’t like Tachibana-san.”

Holding a beer can, eyes a bit glazed, Miyamae says it.

Oh?

Tachibana-san, also holding a beer can, writes on her whiteboard with a drunk, challenging glare, ready to fight.

“You’ve been eating only saury and not touching the catfish!”

Miyamae points out. Since saury’s pricey, I grilled some catfish I caught as kabayaki too. But Tachibana-san absolutely avoids the catfish.

“It’s not just tonight. You never eat the fish Kirishima catches, do you!?”

She’s right.

Tachibana-san’s joined these fish-grilling gatherings a few times, but she only eats the vegetables we grill, never touching my fish.

“Now, now.”

Touno tries to calm Miyamae.

“People have their preferences.”

But Miyamae, still fuming, raises her voice. “That’s not all!”

“Earlier, Kirishima tried to pass you soy sauce, and you ignored him!”

???

Tachibana-san plays dumb, which sets Miyamae off.

“Aren’t you kinda brushing Kirishima off, Tachibana-san!?”

To Miyamae, it looks like Tachibana-san’s disrespecting me, and she can’t stand it.

“The other day, when Kirishima started playing his kokyu, you went back to your room, didn’t you?”

“Miyamae, I’m glad you’re sticking up for me, but—”

“And honestly, the kokyu? What kind of taste is that?”

“Huh?”

“The songs you play are so weird.”

“Hey.”

“I’d wanna go back to my room right after eating too, but—”

“Wait, are you talking about me? Pretending it’s about Tachibana-san but airing your gripes with me?”

“But when a friend’s performing, you listen, don’t you!?”

Miyamae grabs a piece of catfish kabayaki from the shichirin with her chopsticks.

“This catfish isn’t exactly delicious, but for something caught nearby, it’s edible enough, if a bit hard to react to. Kirishima caught it for us, you know!”

“Miyamae, you’ve definitely got something to say to me!”

“Stop acting all high and mighty and eat it!”

Miyamae thrusts the catfish at Tachibana-san.

Tachibana-san shakes her head, refusing, and holds up her whiteboard.

I make plenty of money. I don’t need to eat that.

“This girl’s got a rotten personality!”

Miyamae, enraged, tries to force the catfish on Tachibana-san.

“Come on, eat it already~!!”

Grrr!

The two drunk girls tussle chaotically. In the scuffle, Tachibana-san swats the chopsticks away, and the catfish kabayaki falls to the ground, covered in dirt.

“I can’t forgive her now!”

Miyamae lunges at Tachibana-san.

“Shiori-chan, calm down.”

Touno steps in between them.

“Poor Tachibana-san. The catfish kabayaki’s covered up with sauce, but it’s too chewy to pass as eel—sometimes it feels like eating rubber. Forcing it isn’t good.”

“Touno, you’re not on my side either!?”

Miyamae, annoyed that Touno’s defending Tachibana-san, turns on her. “Why’re you protecting Tachibana-san?”

“Your boyfriend’s being treated like garbage! Doesn’t that bother you? If my boyfriend was disrespected, I wouldn’t stay quiet!”

“As his girlfriend…”

Touno, holding Tachibana-san protectively, says hesitantly,

“Shiori-chan, when are you going to stop playing pretend girlfriend with Kirishima-san…?”

In that moment, the air freezes.

Touno’s words carry a sharp, real edge. Miyamae’s angry energy drops instantly.

“S-sorry…”

She mumbles, looking down. Seeing Miyamae so deflated, Touno hurriedly backtracks.

“N-no, I’m sorry for saying something weird! I just meant, um, I hope Shiori-chan’s grandma gets better soon…”

An awkward silence lingers for a few seconds.

Hamanami breaks it.

“Oaaaaaaaahhh!”

After a bizarre yell, she starts chugging her beer.

“The marriage of saury and beer! So good! So good!”

Fukuda-kun jumps in too.

“Yeah, feels like autumn.”

“I want music! Music! Gimme some hype tracks! Hurry up~!!”

Hamanami says, and Daidouji-san picks up his morin khuur. I reach for my kokyu too.

The usual fish-grilling party vibe kicks in.

Touno and Miyamae shrink, looking apologetic.

Tachibana-san turns away with a huff and heads back to her room.

♤♤♤

At night, lying in bed, I keep my eyes open. Moonlight streams through the window, illuminating stains on the ceiling.

After we finished eating saury and parted ways, Daidouji-san said to me,

“We need to seriously help Miyamae find a boyfriend.”

He’s noticed, of course. The issue simmering among our good-natured Yamame-sou and Sakura Heights crew. Tonight, it surfaced.

But like Daidouji-san said, if Miyamae gets a boyfriend, it’ll resolve things. And as long as I don’t waver from Touno, it shouldn’t become a huge problem.

Listening to the insects chirping outside, my thoughts turn to Tachibana-san.

Tachibana-san kept believing in me, stuck in frozen time. But the real me isn’t there anymore, and that must’ve hurt her deeply. To go through that, even after losing her voice.

I want to take off my kimono, put on glasses, and go see her. Tell her it’s okay. Those feelings aren’t entirely gone.

But I can’t do that.

I have Touno now, and I’ve moved the clock forward. I can’t betray Touno now. She undeniably saved me when I was holed up alone in my cramped Yamame-sou room. So this is fine.

It’s fine if Tachibana-san hates me, ignores me.

But—

Just in case, just to be sure—

I get out of bed, put on my kimono, slip on geta sandals, and head outside. I circle around to the back of Sakura Heights.

Tachibana-san is at the garbage dump.

Seeing me, she furrows her brow. I don’t like you anymore. That’s her look.

But it’s forced.

The garbage bag at her feet is open—the one we used for cleanup after grilling saury. And in her hand is that dirt-covered catfish kabayaki that fell.

Tachibana-san tries to walk away. I grab her hand.

“You can go back to your room, but throw that out first.”

But Tachibana-san doesn’t respond, shaking her arm to break free. She won’t let go of the catfish kabayaki.

In the end, Tachibana-san isn’t the mean girl Miyamae made her out to be.

“You acted like that on purpose to make me hate you, didn’t you?”

Seeing the fallen fish must’ve pained her. That’s why she’s out here in the middle of the night, planning to eat it.

“ !”

Tachibana-san thrashes, as if saying let go.

If I leave her, she’ll eat it, and with her stage coming up, that’s no good. So I snatch the catfish kabayaki from her hand and pop it into my mouth. If I eat it first, she can’t.

“ !”

Tachibana-san pounds my chest, as if saying spit it out.

That’s when it happens.

Tachibana-san’s eyes widen, and she freezes.

“You okay, Tachibana-san?”

Tachibana-san clutches her head and collapses to the ground.

At first, I don’t understand what’s happening. But I quickly realize.

At Tokyo Station, Tachibana-san pushed me down the stairs. She’s been carrying that guilt ever since, and hitting me just now triggered a flashback, sending her into shock.

Tachibana-san stares into the void with unfocused eyes, trembling. Eventually, as if saying I’m sorry, I’m sorry, she clings to me.

I crouch down and hold her tightly.

“It’s okay. I’m fine. You don’t have to apologize for anything, Tachibana-san.”

Then I take her to her room. Thanks to Touno’s help, it’s neatly organized.

There, Tachibana-san keeps crying. But even as she cries, she can’t make a sound.

After a while, she calms down.

With a tear-streaked face, she holds up her whiteboard.

I don’t want to interfere with you and Touno-san.

She acted like she hated me because she didn’t want to show weakness. Otherwise—

You wouldn’t be able to leave me alone, Shirou-kun.

She’s right.

Seeing her in shock, deep down, I wanted to stay by her side all night. Of course, I know that’s not okay, and so does she. So—

When the university festival season ends, I’ll move out of this room.

That’s what she writes on her whiteboard.

She’s been invited to perform at various university festivals, ending with mine. And after that stage—

I won’t see you anymore, Shirou-kun.

That’s Tachibana-san’s resolve.

“Got it.”

I nod.

That’s fine. That’s probably for the best. But still—

To me, Tachibana-san can’t help but look like a lost puppy who doesn’t know where to go.

♤♤♤

I don’t want to interfere with you and Touno-san.

True to her words, Tachibana-san keeps her distance from me.

Tachibana-san walking down Hyakumanben Street, lost in thought along the Philosopher’s Path—I can only watch her from afar.

On the morning of Tachibana-san’s first university festival performance, I gaze out at the private road from my window. Past eight, she emerges from Sakura Heights, pulling a rolling suitcase. No sign of nerves, just her usual poker face.

Good luck, I say in my heart.

I don’t know how much that means.

Feeling a bit sentimental, I get ready to head out. Autumn’s deepening, so my kimono alone is too cold. I throw on a haori jacket, slip into geta sandals, and step outside. At the same moment, Miyamae comes out of Sakura Heights.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah.”

Miyamae and I ride bikes to Nanzenji.

Miyamae’s gotten really good at cycling. Compared to the summer when she was squealing while I steadied the rack, it’s impressive progress.

At Nanzenji, Miyamae starts snapping photos of the Nanzenji Suirikaku with the DSLR hanging from her neck. The Suirikaku, a brick aqueduct from the Meiji era, has a Roman aqueduct vibe, picturesque against the red-tinted autumn leaves.

“Kirishima, what do you think?”

Miyamae shows me her shots.

“They’re really beautiful.”

“Well, you don’t seem to have much taste, so it’s not like your praise means much.”

“Then why’d you bring me?”

“Let’s try shooting from that angle too!”

Today’s Erich-inspired activity is accompanying Miyamae’s photography. I give feedback on her shots, suggest things to try, like getting closer to change the impression.

Miyamae’s photography club is holding an exhibition at the university festival, and she’s working on pieces for it.

“I also like the abandoned tracks at Keage Incline.”

“Yeah, I’ll shoot those!”

At Keage Incline, she crouches to capture the tracks stretching toward the sky.

“You’re really into this, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Miyamae says, looking at her photos.

“I didn’t understand anything before.”

Getting serious about photography in her club made her realize.

“Even shooting the same subject, it’s totally different. The composition, the angle. There’s real skill involved, and even an amateur can tell. I’m really bad at it.”

“You’re a beginner, so that’s normal.”

“No, it’s not about that.”

It’s something more fundamental, she says.

“With photography or anything, I was just thinking about using it to make friends. But everyone else is genuinely engaging with photography. I didn’t understand that, and I was so shallow. Now I’m way behind.”

Miyamae looks dejected as she talks.

“That’s not a bad thing.”

I say.

“Starting something to connect with people is great. Humans can’t live alone.”

Movies and novels are consumed by many as communication tools, topics to bond over.

“You started photography for that, and now you’re chasing its essence. That’s enough, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Miyamae’s expression brightens.

“Thanks, Kirishima.”

After finishing most of the shots, we walk aimlessly along the abandoned tracks. Just as I’m about to suggest heading back, Miyamae says hesitantly,

“Can we take today’s pic?”

“Sure.”

I nod, and Miyamae, looking shy, clings to my arm. She sets up her phone and snaps a selfie—the usual photo for her grandma. A trackside date.

“Guess we should stop this soon. Things got awkward with Touno.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll find a real boyfriend. I don’t want to mess with you two.”

As she says this, she grabs my hand, interlocking our fingers like lovers.

“Huh?”

“I’m done relying on you, Kirishima. Time to graduate from being a lonely girl.”

Miyamae presses her face closer.

“What you’re saying and doing don’t exactly match, you know?”

“Hey, Kirishima, if I’d met you first… do you think we could’ve been like that?”

“Oi.”

“Kirishimaa…”

Miyamae, cheeks flushed, tries to hug me.

“H-hold on!”

“Just kidding!”

Miyamae pulls away quickly.

“I was just teasing.”

She starts walking briskly.

“But you don’t have to be that cold about it. Kirishima, you idiot!”

Miyamae sticks out her tongue like a kid.

“You’re heading to Touno’s match after this, right?”

Exactly. Touno has a match this afternoon, and I promised to cheer her on.

“Touno kinda put me in my place.”

Miyamae had cleared borrowing me this morning with Touno beforehand. But Touno mentioned she’d promised I’d cheer at her match in the afternoon, so she asked Miyamae not to keep me too long.

“She also indirectly told me not to be too clingy. She seemed really hesitant to say it…”

“She asked me to come today too.”

Of course, Touno didn’t say it forcefully. It was more like a shy if you could come request. But she explained it’s a big match against a strong opponent.

“I feel bad.”

Miyamae says.

“I shouldn’t have made Touno say that with that face.”

So—

“I’m not gonna cling to you anymore, Kirishima. Make sure you go to Touno today. I don’t want to come off as the bad guy.”

Miyamae laughs as she says it.

I don’t want to worry Touno either, so I’m definitely going to her match.

“What’re you doing after this, Miyamae?”

“Hmm, maybe I’ll go see Tachibana-san’s performance.”

Miyamae starts checking her phone.

“We kinda fought last time, so I want to make up. Plus, taking photos at another university’s festival sounds fun.”

But then she makes an angry face.

“I still can’t forgive her for treating you so lightly!”

“Hey, hey.”

“Well, I’m not your girlfriend, so I can’t say much.”

Miyamae looks down as she speaks.

“But if I were your girlfriend… I wouldn’t let that slide. I’d treasure you more, devote myself to you, do anything you wanted… I wouldn’t just focus on feeling good myself—I’d work hard to make you feel good… If I were your girlfriend, if I were…”

Miyamae suddenly snaps out of it.

“J-Just kidding-bai! That was just teasing too-bai!”

She starts fiddling with her phone again, trying to brush it off.

Then her face turns serious.

“Something wrong?”

“Is this girl okay?”

Tachibana-san’s SNS is on her screen. Just moments ago, she posted a station sign with a comment about not understanding transfers.

“She mixed up Tanbaguchi and Tambabashi…”

In Kyoto, where she’s not familiar with the area, Tachibana-san is lost.

♤♤♤

I’m with Miyamae in the audience seats at an outdoor stage set up on a university campus.

It’s not my university or Miyamae’s—it’s the festival where Tachibana-san was invited to perform.

In the end, Miyamae and I went to pick her up. We told her to wait, and when we got to the station, Tachibana-san looked reluctant. At first, she glared at us like a stray dog, but since she couldn’t afford to be late, she followed quietly.

We escorted her to the university, and since we were there, Miyamae and I decided to check out the festival and listen to Tachibana-san’s performance.

“Each university has such a different vibe.”

“Totally~”

We chat while sharing baby castella from a festival stall. On stage, a music club band performs, and the rakugo club does a storytelling act.

“Kirishima, you good on time?”

“Yeah.”

Even after Tachibana-san’s performance, I should have plenty of time to make it to Touno’s match.

“You’re kinda sweet, Miyamae.”

“Why?”

“You fought with Tachibana-san, but you’re still worried enough to escort her like this.”

“Well… yeah, I guess.”

Miyamae says,

“I mean, I heard Tachibana-san used to be able to talk… so I kinda want to help where I can.”

As we talk, Tachibana-san’s stage time approaches, and the crowd grows. Until now, the audience mostly seemed like friends of the performing clubs, so her video success must be real.

What will Tachibana-san wear on stage? What songs will she play?

In high school, she played piano in the old music room.

I recall her white fingers striking the keys.

From that cramped room to here.

When Tachibana-san takes the stage, I’ll clap with all my heart. That’s what I think.

But—

“Is something wrong?”

Miyamae looks around anxiously.

It’s well past her scheduled time, but Tachibana-san still hasn’t appeared on stage.

The audience starts to murmur.

A girl who looks like a festival committee member rushes from the stage wing into a nearby building.

I get a bad feeling.

“Miyamae, wait here.”

“Huh, wait, Kirishima—”

I leave and follow the girl into the building. As expected, she’s a committee member, talking seriously with a few others outside a classroom.

A sign on the door reads Green Room.

“Excuse me, what’s going on?”

Explaining I’m a friend of the girl about to perform, they tell me the situation. Apparently, Tachibana-san won’t come out of the room. The door’s unlocked, so they checked on her, but she doesn’t seem capable of playing.

The committee members are at a loss. Inviting her based only on her videos was reckless, and they can’t force her to perform in this state.

“Let me talk to her.”

I stand at the door and call, “Tachibana-san, I’m coming in.” No response, but I enter and close the door.

Tachibana-san, still in her performance dress, is crouched in a corner. When I approach, she looks up, her face like a frightened child’s.

“You okay?”

When I ask, she holds out both hands.

They’re trembling slightly.

Tachibana-san tries to stop the shaking by hitting her hands against her body or biting them. But it doesn’t work. The tremors seem to fuel her anxiety, making them worse, and her face looks ready to cry.

She wants to perform. But her hands won’t stop shaking, and she’s panicking.

I hug her and rub her back.

“It’s okay. You’re just a little nervous. It’s fine.”

This calmed her by the Kamo River and at Sakura Heights’ garbage dump. But today, it’s not working. Her body keeps trembling. The pressure of performing might be too much.

“You don’t have to force yourself. No one will blame you.”

I try saying that, but she shakes her head no.

She’s probably right. For someone in the music department at an art university, accepting that she can’t perform on a stage like this must be excruciating.

Plus, she’s accepted offers from multiple university festivals. If she can’t play here, she’ll have to cancel them all.

Tachibana-san starts hitting her hands against her body again, sniffling desperately.

“I’m sorry.”

I apologize.

In high school, Tachibana-san could perform in front of crowds. She even entered piano competitions. That she can’t now means she’s become more fragile. And I’m clearly the cause.

So—

“I love you, Tachibana-san.”

I say it and kiss her.

Tachibana-san’s eyes widen in shock, her body tensing for a moment. But then she relaxes, pressing her thin lips against mine. She gently bites my lip, her small tongue slipping in, cool to the touch. I hold her even tighter.

It’s like we’re back in high school.

The humidity and ache in my chest from those days.

That’s it. If she can return to the Tachibana-san from high school, she’ll be able to play.

Her trembling gradually subsides.

We kiss again and again.

That’s when it happens.

The door opens, and someone enters.

I turn around.

Standing there was—

Miyamae. She must’ve come to check on me, worried that I hadn’t returned. And what she saw was me and Tachibana-san kissing.

Miyamae looks confused and shocked, unsure what expression to make.

“What are you doing…”

That’s all she can say.

“Kirishima, what are you doing!”

♤♤♤

I watch Tachibana-san’s performance from the stage wing.

She plays a song that got tons of views online, performing it flawlessly, just like in high school. Showing her face is a hit too—someone in the crowd yells, “So cute~!” and Tachibana-san flashes a proud peace sign.

She seems to have more female fans, by the look of it.

Partway through, she holds up her whiteboard to send a message to the audience.

I wore this outfit for all of you today.

It’s a calm, elegant dress with a slightly open neckline.

Tachibana-san smirks, leaning forward to show off. The crowd calls out, “Gorgeous~!” but it’s not the “Boobs! Boobs!” reaction she was hoping for. She furrows her brow.

The performance goes smoothly and ends, but Tachibana-san is exhausted. As soon as she steps offstage, she collapses to the ground.

I take her to the green room and keep rubbing her back.

I won’t make it to Touno’s match anymore.

♤♤♤

I transfer trains and reach the sports complex with the gymnasium by evening. The athletes have already left, leaving a quiet, post-festival atmosphere.

Touno is sitting alone on the grand staircase leading to the gym.

“Sorry.”

I approach and speak.

“How was the match?”

“…We won.”

But Touno doesn’t look happy at all. She might’ve scanned the stands for me during the match. Thinking I let her down, I feel guilty.

“Why…”

Touno says, looking away.

“Why were you late?”

“That’s—”

As I fumble for words, Miyamae, who came with me, speaks up.

“It’s my fault.”

“Hey, what are you—”

“I dragged him around. I didn’t want to take photos alone, so I got carried away.”

Miyamae apologizes.

“I see.”

Touno starts to say something, hesitates, struggles, but finally puts it into words.

“Shiori-chan, the pretend couple thing with Kirishima-san… please… stop it.”

After saying it, Touno looks deeply dejected.

“Okay.”

Miyamae nods, forcing a bright expression.

“It’s not your fault, Touno. It’s all on me. I got too clingy.”

Touno falls silent for a moment. Then, saying “Sorry,” she stands.

“There’s a victory party.”

With that, she hurries off.

I turn to Miyamae.

“Why’d you lie like that…”

“I can’t exactly tell Touno the truth, can I?”

Miyamae saw me and Tachibana-san kissing, and even after the performance, she witnessed us hugging. She’s been looking like she wanted to say something. But—

“There’s gotta be a reason, right? You wouldn’t do something like that for nothing, Kirishima.”

And, she adds,

“I’m kinda okay with Touno hating me.”

“Huh?”

“Because then I can love you as much as I want, right?”

“H-hey.”

“Kidding.”

Don’t freak out, Miyamae says, looking down to hide her face.

“I’m keeping quiet about you and Tachibana-san because I want to stay friends with everyone. If you and Touno get awkward, that’s no good. That’s really it.”

That’s all—

She says it like she’s convincing herself.