Prologue | If You Keep It Hidden

♢♢♢

When I realized that only my memories were becoming more and more beautiful, I figured that’s probably when people can no longer stop themselves from becoming ugly.

I was vaguely thinking about such things around the time the date changed.

Lying on my bed, I count the stains on the ceiling.

There’s one I’ve always thought looked like a face since way back, but it feels like its shape is different from my childhood memories… or maybe it’s always been like this?

Well, whatever.

I pick up my phone and look at the LINE messages with Yuu that I’ve left on read.

Yuu’s saying, “The sales plan is done.”

Which means Yuu won’t be paying attention to me during the cultural festival.

What’s in my chest is… a slow, creeping despair.

It’s not that Yuu isn’t thinking about me.

It’s that I’m jealous of something as obvious as Yuu prioritizing accessories over me.

“Do I really like Yuu…?”

Those words suddenly slip out of my mouth.

If I really liked Yuu, I should be supporting him as he works toward his dreams. But I can’t honestly feel happy about the sales event.

The season when the nights had gotten just a little cooler.

The loosened end of my yukata’s obi was dangling off the bed.

I thought, How unreliable.

Not this beautifully embroidered fabric, but my shaky sense of self.

What is love?

Is it really something so beautiful?

I’d always thought romance was toxic.

So why did I assume my own love would be different?

If I say I like him and Yuu says he likes me back, why isn’t that enough for me?

(What even is love…)

I start spiraling into philosophical thoughts.

To begin with, what is love?

According to dictionaries, it’s the feeling of longing for someone, usually between a man and a woman, or a specific person.

It’s so obvious it’s almost meaningless.

So, what are the conditions for love to happen?

Hm? I feel like I had a conversation like this with Yuu a while back.

That was, I think, around the time Yuu reunited with Enocchi… so, April?

What did I say back then?

Oh yeah, I said something like, “Doesn’t it just mean wanting to kiss or sleep with someone?”

And then Yuu shot back, “That’s just lust…”

I see?

So, lust is like the antenna for love?

By the time you want to kiss or sleep with someone, you’ve already fallen in love?

(…Do I want to kiss or sleep with Yuu?)

I do, though?

I kinda think about it all the time, though?

Alright. I’m in love with Yuu. Proof complete.

(…Wait, wait. If it ends here, this is just the diary of some cringey girl.)

I grab my phone.

I open LINE and send a message to Enocchi.

“Enocchi. Been feeling extra horny lately?”

Oh, she read it. Studying this late—good for her.

Now, Enocchi’s sex life, huh. Come to think of it, I’ve never heard her talk about that, so I’m kinda getting excited. Wonder when she’ll reply…

…Oh, she ignored me!

(Ugh! Enocchi’s still such a clean freak!)

With no other choice, I switch to the girls’ chat for the brass band club that Enocchi invited me to.

“Everyone! Have you ever thought about wanting to sleep with someone you like lately?”

It blew up instantly.

Everyone’s still awake at this hour—naughty kids. Well, high schoolers are like that, right? I observe the raw, unfiltered girl talk while nodding and gathering intel.

Meanwhile, Enocchi’s sending me a barrage of terrifying messages like “Hii-chan,” “What are you doing,” “Don’t do anything weird,” “Pick up the phone,” plus a call notification, but I’m ignoring it all ☆

And the conclusion we came to was something like this…

“Yeah, it’s gotta be with someone you like, or it’s no good.”

Well, duh.

So it just ended up reinforcing my “lust is the antenna for love” theory…

(…Still doesn’t feel satisfying, though.)

No, not the lust—the philosophy.

Having turned into a philosophy-chasing monster, I get out of bed and shuffle out of my room. The creaky hallway leads me to see light spilling from Onii-chan’s bedroom. He’s not in his study at this hour, so I guess work wrapped up smoothly today.

I knock twice.

“Onii-chan. You awake?”

He answers right away.

“Come in.”

I open the door.

A grand otaku room greets me.

Posters and tapestries plastered from wall to ceiling.

Manga and light novels dominating the bookshelves.

Neatly organized games and anime Blu-rays.

A big TV on a fancy stand is playing Spy x Family. Anya-chan’s so cute, right?

And in the center of this otaku paradise, the tragically handsome Hibari Onii-chan elegantly sips wine. There can’t be many guys in the world who look this good in a jinbei.

While peeking up at the lineup of pretty girl figurines on the TV stand, I ask Onii-chan.

“Hey, Onii-chan. Why’d you break up with Kureha-san? You went to university in Tokyo together and even lived together, right?”

When I turn to him, he’s flashing a dazzling smile. His perfectly maintained, sparkling white teeth glint.

“Himari. Are you trying to provoke me because you want to be punished?”

“N-No, I just got curious.”

Oh no. His face is smiling, but his eyes aren’t.

I leave the bedroom and hurriedly grab a can of locally made caviar from my room. Heh heh, I’d prepared this bargaining chip just in case!

“H-Here you go.”

“…”

Onii-chan lets out a small sigh.

He stops the anime and scratches his head awkwardly.

“It’s nothing special. She chose to live as a model in the outside world, and I chose to protect our hometown. Our relationship became the biggest burden because of that. So, breaking up was the best move for both of us.”

He says this while tilting his wine glass.

“It’s like thinning out plants to let a beautiful flower bloom. If too many seedlings crowd the same soil, the nutrients won’t spread enough… and everything ends up wilting. Human capacity is finite. If you mess up your priorities, you’ll end up with nothing.”

That’s so like Onii-chan, I thought.

But at the same time, it didn’t feel like him either.

As if he could see through my feelings, Onii-chan gives a faint smile.

“Being together all the time just because you love each other is an incredibly lucky and rare choice. You kids might not get it yet, but you’ll realize it once you’re no longer students.”

I mutter, “I see.”

I tilt my head with a big grin.

“Us, though? Hey, Onii-chan. We’re doing pretty well, right?”

“Huh?”

That was cold.

His ultra-low, icy-cool voice makes me flinch and step back. …Huh? I totally thought he’d say, “You guys are doing great. As expected of Himari (teeth sparkling)!”

Onii-chan opens the caviar can with a “here we go” attitude.

“Himari. Don’t tell me you still don’t realize you’ve strayed off your path at this point?”

“…”

A heavy thud weighs down on me.

N-No way.

Me, the perfectly cute, perfectly smart, perfectly lovable being, messed up?

“O-Onii-chan! What do you mean!? I haven’t done anything wrong!!”

I shake his shoulders back and forth, pleading.

Then a “💢” pops up on his temple.

“Annoying.”

He lands a sharp chop on my head, and I collapse with a “Pugah.”

…Lately, I’ve been taking too many hits from Enocchi too—my brain’s gonna turn stupid at this rate.

“You haven’t done anything wrong. But that doesn’t mean you’re right either.”

“W-What do you mean…?”

Onii-chan furrows his brow, thinking hard.

He scoops a spoonful of caviar from the can and murmurs, “This brand keeps getting better every year,” sounding impressed.

“During the summer incident with Kureha-kun, Himari took the ‘lover’ seat next to Yuu-kun.”

“Yeah.”

“So why are you still obsessing over being Yuu-kun’s ‘dream partner’?”

“Huh?”

I must’ve looked totally lost, because Onii-chan repeats himself.

“Himari, didn’t you want to be Yuu-kun’s lover? That mess you made in the sunflower field over summer—I figured that’s what it was about. Was I wrong?”

“…”

—Huh?

A cold sensation runs down my neck.

It’s like an invisible blade of words is pressed against me… something I’ve felt over and over these past six months since April.

I wanted to be Yuu’s lover.

That’s not wrong.

But how is that not right?

“I thought you’d handed off the ‘dream partner’ role to Rion-kun. If Himari stole her first love from Rion-kun, it’d make sense for their positions to swap.”

Onii-chan downs the rest of his wine.

“That said, whether Rion-kun takes the empty seat you left is up to her. That’s why I let the Tokyo trip slide. I knew what Kureha-kun was planning, and putting closure on love is important too.”

“Y-You knew? Knew what?”

“The plan to join an exhibition with creators under Kureha-kun’s wing. The night we went drinking at Shinji-kun’s place after beach fun, I got Sakura-kun plastered and pried it all out of her.”

I feel like I just heard some shady tactics, but let’s set that aside.

“S-So, um, I don’t really get what you’re saying, Onii-chan… Why can’t I be Yuu’s lover and his dream partner?”

“You don’t get it?”

Onii-chan says it like he’s bored.

“Aren’t you the one trying to stop Yuu-kun’s cultural festival challenge right now? If that’s not toxic, what is?”

“…”

How does he know? or Don’t just assume things, Onii-chan!—a bunch of words swirl in my head.

But I stay calm. Playing with my fingers, I look off into space and let out a dry “Ahaha.”

“I-It’s not like I’m stopping him, I just asked him to think about me a little…”

“At least the Himari from before never said stuff like that.”

“But it’s the cultural festival! Isn’t it normal to want to make memories?”

“Sure, that’s normal. As a lover, that is.”

“W-What are you trying to say?”

“What do you think I’m trying to say?”

I slam the door without thinking.

“I-I think about Yuu too! For university and his future, I’ve been thinking about running a shop with him…”

“That’s not your role.”

He cuts me off sharply.

Onii-chan stands slowly. His cold eyes staring down at me finally drag out what I’ve been avoiding.

“Have you forgotten? Your role was supposed to be modeling Yuu-kun’s accessories to the world.”

“…!?”

I can’t say anything.

That’s right.

My role was to be the model for Yuu’s accessories.

I’d even gotten fixated on that once, fighting with Yuu over whether I’d go to Tokyo or not.

But now—

Onii-chan lets out a tiny sigh, like he’s genuinely disappointed in me.

“Blinded by love, have you lost sight of even your greatest weapon?”

“B-But I’ve understood business stuff since I was little…”

“From overhearing me, Aniki, and Grandpa’s conversations, right? How could you think secondhand info would hold up in the real world?”

He hits the nail on the head, and I falter.

“Let’s be clear. When it comes to business sense and experience, Rion-kun—who’s been helping with her family’s pastry shop since she was young—is leagues ahead of you. If Yuu-kun opens a store someday and needs help, she’s the one who should study it at university.”

“So I’m not needed…?”

“Then just be Yuu-kun’s lover. I’ve never stopped you from that.”

“But that’s not enough for me! I want to do something for Yuu’s future too…”

“Then wasn’t there one thing you should’ve done?”

“…Ah.”

I instantly get what Onii-chan means.

It’s what’s been flickering in the back of my mind this past month.

“I should’ve gone to Tokyo with Kureha-san to study modeling.”

If I’d chosen that path, what would’ve happened?

At the very least, we wouldn’t be clashing over what to do at the cultural festival. I’d have dedicated my life to Yuu’s dream.

“But Onii-chan, you stopped me from going to Tokyo…”

“True, I did. Kureha-kun’s offer wasn’t wrong, but it was way too soon. If Yuu-kun lost his drive to chase his dreams, it’d all be for nothing.”

Back then, Kureha-san only had eyes for me.

She didn’t care what happened to Yuu after dragging me to Tokyo.

Honestly, if Enocchi and Onii-chan hadn’t pulled off some clutch moves, that might’ve been my future… Wait?

“T-Too soon…?”

I catch the odd note in his words.

Onii-chan sighs awkwardly and says,

“Look, Himari. Listen calmly. The truth is…”

He grabs both my arms.

Then he bends down to meet my eyes.

“If you two graduated high school as best friends, I was going to recommend you go to Kureha-kun after that.”

“Wha…”

Onii-chan’s eyes… weren’t lying.

Send me to Kureha-san?

Wait, what?

So Onii-chan—planned to put distance between me and Yuu from the start?

That was the best choice for us?

“But Himari chose to be his lover. So I figured that’s fine too and kept quiet. If Himari drowned in love and couldn’t purely work toward his dreams anymore, I’d just support Yuu-kun myself.”

“Onii-chan. You kept saying that, didn’t you…?”

“Yeah.”

“It wasn’t a joke…?”

“Nope.”

A bad feeling creeps up on me.

Oh no.

Wanting him to deny it, I say desperately,

“So, the way I am now isn’t good enough?”

Onii-chan doesn’t answer.

Instead, he starts to say something I don’t want to hear.

“Himari. If you ever have even the slightest doubt about your feelings for Yuu-kun—”

“…!”

I reject the rest of his words.

“No way! I’m not like you, Onii-chan! I can do it right. I can make both my dreams and love mine!”

“…”

Onii-chan’s eyes are endlessly cold.

He sighs as if he’s already lost interest in me.

“I see. Then prove it.”

I leave Onii-chan’s room.

At that moment…

“As expected, it came to this, huh.”

Onii-chan’s words linger in my chest like a small thorn.

When I realized that only my memories were becoming more and more beautiful, I figured that’s probably when people can no longer stop themselves from becoming ugly.

Love, when kept secret, becomes a flower; when confessed, it turns to poison.

But I don’t want to bloom beautifully by deceiving myself.

The feelings I confessed to Yuu absolutely can’t be wrong.

♣♣♣

Wanting to stay the same even after becoming lovers—is that just my selfishness?

2 a.m.

I was lying on the sofa in the living room.

The empty house is quiet, and I was thinking in a hazy drowsiness.

On the table is the accessory sales plan for the upcoming cultural festival. I just finished it, and tomorrow I’m supposed to have Sasaki-sensei check it.

…Supposed to, at least.

(Himari hasn’t replied…)

I look at the LINE message I sent earlier.

Thanks to Enomoto-san, the plan is done, but Himari hasn’t responded. It’s been two hours of waiting like this.

(Does she really not want to do the sales event…)

Yesterday, Himari and I had an argument… or rather, a misunderstanding, I guess.

Something like that happened.

“What’s your goal, Yuu?”

“Is holding a sales event at the cultural festival right now absolutely necessary for that goal?”

The cultural festival.

Himari probably wanted to enjoy it as lovers… I think.

(Why’d she suddenly say something like that…)

Is holding the accessory sales event not fun for Himari?

Has chasing dreams with me all this time… actually been painful for her?

Himari says we should look further ahead and plan things out.

I know she’s right.

But I didn’t think I could skillfully handle such a distant future.

During summer break… when I decided to move toward the future with Himari.

It feels like I’m in a different place from what I imagined back then.

(Himari said love was toxic, so I thought we’d have a more detached lover relationship.)

I like Himari.

That’s not a mistake.

But, well…

The truth is, our past relationship is getting in the way, and I can’t fully accept this new lover dynamic.

“How do you balance love and dreams…”

As I groan to myself, I hear the front door open.

Turning on the living room lights, Saku-neesan appears from her late-night convenience store shift. Seeing me, she scrunches her face in annoyance. Her reaction’s way too obvious…

“You. What’re you doing up this late?”

“Just wanted to think in a bigger room. How’s the store, Saku-neesan?”

“On break. That magazine you always read came in today.”

“Oh, I’ll grab it later.”

Saku-neesan seems in a good mood today, huh.

While making small talk with me, she warms up some discarded convenience store bread in the toaster. She pours milk into a cup and sits on the opposite side of the sofa.

Then she starts flipping through the magazine she brought for herself.

(Saku-neesan’s not resting, so maybe I should head back to my room…)

Thinking that, I start gathering the sales plan.

Saku-neesan picks up one of the pages and skims it silently.

“…Huh. A low-price accessory sales event, huh.”

I tense up instinctively.

Whenever Saku-neesan says something about accessories, it’s never a good memory…

“The plan’s fine, but have you decided on a concept or theme?”

“Huh?”

“You know, something like a unique sales approach or designing the booth creatively.”

Oh, that’s what she means.

Like at Tenma-kun’s exhibition in Tokyo, where they brought in pros to make the venue look impressive.

“Since the star this time is Queen of the Night, I’ve got some ideas based on that. But with capacity and budget issues, I’m not sure if it’s doable…”

“Queen of the night? …Oh, Rion-chan.”

She saw through it in a split second.

Saku-neesan’s always sharp about stuff like this…

“You’re still playing besties with Rion-chan?”

“Makishima started saying weird stuff, so that’s on hold for now.”

“Well, it’s not my place to meddle.”

Then don’t say anything…

“You’re planning this with Himari-chan again, right? Play nice.”

“Well…”

Saku-neesan tilts her head.

The toaster dings as the bread finishes warming.

“This time, I want to fully produce the sales event myself.”

“Oh? That’s rare for you…”

Saku-neesan takes the bread out of the toaster, muttering, “Hot, hot…” as she puts it on a plate. Spreading peanut butter on it, she continues.

“…You don’t usually say stuff like that. Didn’t that kind of thing used to be Himari-chan’s role?”

“I want to test how much I can do this time. If I can produce a sales event and turn a profit, maybe I’ll get a glimpse of the view Tenma-kun and the others see…”

“Hmm.”

“Also, Himari doesn’t seem too keen on the sales event. We might end up doing our own things this time.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Uh, well…”

“…You’re not doing something stupid again, are you?”

She casually sees right through me.

When I explain the argument with Himari, Saku-neesan lets out a huge sigh.

“Treat Himari-chan better, you idiot little brother.”

“I-I’m trying… I think. But yeah, I’m obviously making her feel bad like this.”

“It’s just the cultural festival. Why not just keep your girlfriend happy? Why’re you making it complicated?”

“C-Complicated…”

Well, if she says I’m overcomplicating it, maybe I am.

Feeling awkward, I keep talking to Saku-neesan.

It’s what Himari said to me today.

“Why am I chasing my dreams?”

I stumbled over my words then, but thinking it through, it’s simple.

“Tokyo made it clear. Just focusing on accessory quality isn’t enough if it doesn’t reach clients. I need to find added value, or my skills won’t even matter.”

“That’s pretty sensible for you. But that’s not an excuse to make Himari-chan cry.”

“I-I’m not making her cry…”

Probably…

“During summer break, I became lovers with Himari. But in the end, I haven’t grown at all. If I can’t become someone equal to her, I can’t confidently say I love her. Relying on her like before just makes me a leech.”

During summer break, Kureha-san said something to me.

A talented girl like Himari dedicating her life to an average guy like me is a loss to the world.

That’s fair.

That’s why I aim to be a strong creator.

I’ll become a strong creator like Tenma-kun or Sanae-san and prove Himari isn’t wrong.

Only by getting strong enough to stand on my own can I finally be equal to Himari.

For that—I don’t want to waste even a single chance.

“…”

Saku-neesan finishes the last bite of her bread.

“You’re starting to sound like a certain jerk…”

“A jerk?”

When I ask, Saku-neesan clicks her tongue like she messed up.

“You don’t need to know.”

…Her reaction makes me think of something.

“Hey, Saku-neesan. Do you have any acquaintances in Tokyo?”

“Huh?”

She answers like it’s obvious.

“There’s Kureha, duh.”

“No, I know that, but… anyone else…”

“Someone else? Our imaginary relatives?”

The scars from that trip with Enomoto-san sting too much…

“A guy around your age…”

Saku-neesan spits out the milk she was drinking.

Coughing hard, she hurriedly wipes her mouth.

“S-Saku-neesan?”

“…You. Did you meet Yatarou or something?”

“Y-Yatarou-san…?”

I picture the face of Tenma-kun’s mentor from the Tokyo exhibition.

He knew Saku-neesan and got flustered around me, her little brother, for some reason.

“Sorry, I don’t know his name…”

“What’s he like?”

“Uh, messy black hair. Scruffy beard. Wore kinda damaged clothes? A scary-looking guy. Seemed to know Kureha-san too…”

As I point at my face to describe him, blue veins start popping on Saku-neesan’s temple. Her mouth twitches, and she grabs her phone, standing up.

“Wait here.”

She leaves the living room.

I hear her enter the bathroom, and then…

“—Kureha!! You ○※●×△ ×＠＊％○○▼※□…!”

A deafening yell echoes through the house at 2 a.m.

Is this okay? Won’t the neighbors complain tomorrow?

Wait, this is the first time I’ve seen Saku-neesan scream like this, isn’t it?

…Seems like I stepped on a bigger landmine than I thought.

(Oh, right. I think he told me not to mention meeting him…)

As I panic, Saku-neesan comes back.

She slams her phone onto the sofa like she’s throwing it. Still trembling with rage, her fists shake.

“That jerk. No contact at all, and now he’s Kureha’s kept man…”

A kept man, huh.

After my own earlier comment, I try to smooth things over with a smile.

“Uh, your boyfriend?”

“Pry any further, and I’ll kill you.”

“…Yes, ma’am.”

Her voice is ice-cold…

Is it okay to aim that kind of murderous intent at family, dear sister…?

Best not to poke the bear.

I grab my compiled plan and stand from the sofa.

“W-Well, I’m off to bed. School tomorrow and all…”

“…”

As I try to escape the living room, Saku-neesan suddenly speaks.

“Idiot brother. One thing.”

“Huh?”

Is it about Yatarou-san?

Maybe, “You’re getting another big brother!”? No way, Hibari-san’s more than enough—seriously.

…I think dumb stuff like that, but it seems off.

Saku-neesan flips through her magazine, sounding bored.

“You want to get strong enough to stand on your own from Himari-chan and be a creator you can be proud of as her equal. That’s noble and very you. Before summer break, I’d have even praised you for it.”

“…That sounds like there’s a catch.”

“I meant it to. Pretty sharp for an idiot brother.”

She glances at me and says plainly,

“Idiot brother. Now that you’re lovers, that noble idea is wrong.”

Her bluntness feels so Saku-neesan.

“Himari-chan doesn’t want you to stand on your own. That idea of yours is extremely self-centered.”

“W-Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious? More than that, she’d be fine just going to school together every day, chatting about random stuff, geeking out over shared hobbies, eating good food on the way home, and maybe kissing or sleeping together sometimes. Most people don’t want Hollywood-movie romance in their lives. Being happy right now is enough.”

“But Himari’s different. She promised to chase dreams with me…”

Saku-neesan lets out an exaggerated sigh.

Irritated, she taps the plate with bread crumbs.

“Isn’t that why Himari-chan became your lover before the dream came true—because she wanted that kind of happiness?”

“…!”

That’s what I’ve been avoiding thinking about.

That summer break.

The sunflower field.

Himari kissed me.

I accepted her feelings.

But…

“Why did Himari want to change our relationship at the exact moment our bond as a destined pair was being tested?”

As I fumble for words, Saku-neesan says coldly,

“Lovers can’t be destined partners. Push one too far, and the other becomes a shackle. That’s how life works.”

It’s like she’s stating a fact.

“If you like Himari-chan and want to cherish her… don’t you need to update how you think about your dreams?”

“…”

I bite my lip.

It feels like she’s saying, “Know your place.”

Saku-neesan’s always right.

I get that she’s not wrong this time either. It’s true I’m not handling things well right now. But that doesn’t mean I can just give up.

If I give up on this… what’s left for me?

“We can keep doing it like we always have.”

Saying that, I leave the living room.

That summer break.

I swore to become a strong creator who could have it all.

Love, dreams—everything.

I’d do everything I could to make that happen.

Otherwise, I can’t repay Himari, who found me at that middle school cultural festival when we first met.

We didn’t meet just to drown in love.

That’s what I believe.